When did I decide I wanted to be alive?

The moment I tried to die.

Skating along a thread,
A cosmic miracle I hold.

I replay the memory that will never become too distant,
85 mph
Looking down, my foot is led.
91mph
I know how to handle a car,
97 mph
Been doing it since the beginning.
99 mph
Riding at the speed of sanity.
101 mph


I see the sharp left ahead.
But my foot refuses to lift.
110 mph
No one hears the sound
violent untethered screaming,
114 mph
Time stops moving.
My car does not.

I yell at myself from the top of my lungs.

Elizabeth. Stop the car.

My foot lifts and switches to the brake.
It happens in the blink of an eye.
I ease into the turn with all my might,
Taking the shaky corner,
My car and I,
Barely survive.


Into the ditch,
I throw my keys.
I cannot breathe.
Hands on my head.
I cannot breathe.
0 mph.

I stand until I am calm.
I drive to the place,
My nana sleeps.
I sat next to her.
0 mph.
She no longer moves.

Was I ready to lay next to her?
And that was the moment I knew,
I wasn’t ready yet.